Let’s Be Honest

So, I’ve wanted to give an update on our life for a while, if for nothing else than to bring our San Marcos family up to date. You all sent us out with so much love and prayer, which made the move much more bearable. I don’t know if we ever publicly thanked all of you who helped us in so many ways. Thank you Damrons for helping us pack and load the truck. Thank you Bollingers for  letting Billy stay in your home when he was transitioning out of his responsibilities and storing more of our stuff. Thank you Banks for keeping Knox while we moved that last day. We also thank you, River Stone, for blessing us with a going away party. We love and miss you daily.

I wish I could give you this beautiful update with lots of butterflies and rainbows…but it has not been a walk in the park. There have been many times we questioned if it was the right decision to pick up our life and move it 3 hours north. Despite the disappointments and setbacks, we keep getting confirmation that this IS, in fact, where God wants us to be. We are having to rely completely on God’s word to trust in Him with all of our heart and NOT lean on our own understanding.

When we first got here in August, Billy applied for countless jobs…but none of them worked out. I reluctantly decided to go ahead and get a part time job so we could make ends meet at the end of September. It has been rough transitioning from full time stay at home mommy to part time physical therapist. I am able to be with Knox in the mornings and work in the afternoons, but I miss the flexibility of having full days with my boy. Not to mention the time to do chores, dinner prep, read, and just be alone during his nap time. I took everything for granted for the past 16 months of staying home with Knox. Because of some of our close friends, the Yarbough’s,  Billy was able to find a flexible part time job with the Crowley Area Chamber of Commerce. So, he works in the mornings, then we switch off and I work in the afternoon. We are thankful to not have to put Knox in childcare, for jobs, for a free place to live while we are in transition, and to be near our family.

However…despite all of these blessings, it has been very difficult for me to actually be at peace and thankful for them each day. Instead, I have been in the habit of self-pity, coveting others’ life situations, and mourning the loss of my ever so important comfort. It is so easy to say “I am thankful for all we have right now” but live completely in opposition to it. The spirit in me is COMPLETELY at war with my flesh these days. It’s like Paul explains in Romans 7: 14-25, I know what I should do and feel, but I choose the opposite because it is in my genetic make up to sin. I know it’s more popular to excuse these feelings (which are obviously not God-glorifying in the least) because they don’t seem to be “so bad” in comparison with other sinful behaviors. My pride, feelings of entitlement, desire for comfort and control all cause me to focus on my own glorification rather than God’s…which is the opposite of how we should live as followers of Jesus. Jesus said, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head”. So, why do I feel like I am worthy of always having a nice-sized home with a fenced in backyard and a two-car garage? Shouldn’t I be happy that, for once in our life, we have to ACTUALLY trust God?

This brings me to another point: Billy and I have hardly ever had to actually trust God to provide in our lives. We grew up in families that never had to worry about having food on the table, maybe that food was macaroni and cheese or Vienna sausages back in the day…but we HAD food…always. We never had to pray for God to protect us from the rain or cold because we always had a roof over our head. We met each other in high school…so we didn’t even have to trust Him long to find our spouse. We went to college, got married, Billy was offered a job with our church; we paid our bills and lived comfortably. Then we had a bump in the road, having a miscarriage, which did grow our faith and cause us to have to learn about God’s inherent GOODNESS and that He can give and take away as He wants. But He blessed us with conceiving Knox just 3 months later, so again…more blessing. We did have to trust God to provide through Billy working for our church (River Stone) after I stopped working to stay home with Knox full time, and He DID provide! But this move to Burleson has been a true test of our ability to trust God; and, honestly, I feel like I am personally failing the test.

I needed to write this post as a public confession. It has been VERY hard for me to trust that God has a plan with moving us to Burleson. It has been VERY hard for me to put aside my desire for my own home and be thankful that we are living free of charge with my parents. It has been VERY hard for me to be patient for God’s perfect timing. I want a home again. I want to have our furniture in our home and to decorate for Christmas with our tree and stockings. Is it wrong that I want these things? No…I don’t think so. But it is wrong when the desire for these things causes me to have crying breakdowns on a weekly basis and covet like crazy. I actually have had to take facebook off my phone and stop looking at instagram as much because seeing my friends’ decorated homes makes me want to cry out of jealousy. THAT is a problem and it is something I have to work against by the grace of God and His Spirit within me. I should be filled with joy for my friends and family, whom I love! Having our own home has become an idol I am actively worshiping by skimming through realtor.com and zillow. I am praying for the ability to trust God’s timing and plan for our family. Please pray with us: that we can be patient, trust that He will place us where He wants us at His perfect time and that we can be thankful every day for all that we have been blessed with.

I felt like I needed to tell my brothers and sisters in Christ that it’s OK to struggle. It’s OK to be open and honest before your community when you AREN’T “doing fine”.  It’s ok to look at your life and wonder WHAT THE CRAP God is trying to teach you by putting you where you are. It’s ok to NOT have a picture perfect pinterest life…which brings up another point. If you look at my instagram pictures or facebook…you will see many of the “happy highlights” of our life. It is NOT the reality of each day in its entirety. Knox isn’t always happy. Sometimes he cries and cries and we have no clue how to console him. Sometimes I wish people would post the crappy highlights (lowlights??) of their life on instagram too, so everyone doesn’t look at a feed and think, “Wow, their life is perfect!” Because, I can guarantee, no one’s life is perfect or without junk. This concludes my blog post unveiling my junk. I’m an open book, you guys…ask my family.

Enjoy some outtakes of our most recent photo shoot.

A great shot of Knox and I.  haha

A great shot of Knox and I. haha

Our stinker boy showing his colors.

Our stinker boy showing his colors.

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One response to “Let’s Be Honest

  1. Billy & Jessica… Becky & I know all too well where you are… Our lives have been a perpetual roller coaster of transition as we’ve followed Christ. Some have been easier than others, but never EASY, SMOOTH or without exercise every ounce & fiber of our faith. Actually, we are there now & can empathize with you. All I can say is don’t let the enemy lie to you. Don’t let him take residence in your mind or emotions. Trust & be confident in the teaching and preparation you received in SM/RS. It was preparation for this time in your lives… Embrace & rejoice in this time with family. Don’t allow pride to settle in & deceive you with unrealistic views of lacking self worth. I have been praying for you guys since you left. Be encourage and faint not in well doing… Let Becky & I know how we can pray even more specifically… I am going to send you a private message on FB concerning this…

    A very good & close friend of mine always says, “you can’t walk on water, if you never get out of the boat” & “the only way to get to the good fruit is climb out on the limb away from the truck of the tree.”

    We love you guys… James

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